Resistance Page 18

  “Haven’t talked to the marshal’s office yet, but my guess is WITSEC still stands and Pepper Philips still exists. Not gonna lie tho, hun, if we don’t know who located you, you may have to start over again.”

  The pained look in Pepper’s eyes as they bore into mine cut deep but all I can muster is a grim smile.

  Bentley stands and exits the room, leaving Pepper and I alone. “Please don’t leave. Please don’t hate me,” she pleads.

  “I don’t know how to feel, Pepper. I watched a man die. His head exploded!” I answer. She glances at the floor between us.

  “I’m so sorry.”

  “I don’t need an apology, Pepper. I need answers.”

  “Ask,” she urges.

  “Were you and Bentley together?”

  “Yes, but not for long. He was one of the only friends I had at that point in my life. It took him the better part of a year to get me to even talk to him. Just when I thought I was falling for him, Cane found me.” Her voice fades as she finishes talking. She shakes her head at herself.

  “What are you thinking?” I push.

  “Just that everything is such a mess. I’m a mess. I’m making you a mess. I’ve messed up Bentley’s life and possibly his career, too. I’m not fit to be around.” The look on her face makes my heart speed up. It’s as if a bolt of lightning has struck me directly in the chest. If she’s trying to let me go, I don’t want her too. I came tonight to fight for her. I have all the details I didn’t before and although they make me uneasy, I can’t help but wonder what they’ve made her feel all this time. I won’t give up. Not tonight, anyways.

  * * * * *

  Five hours later we’re at Pepper’s house. She’s been cleared, for now. A U.S. Marshal stands in the kitchen near the side door and another is stationed at her front door but Pepper is in a daze, curled up on her bed. I am a train wreck of emotions. I waffle between going home and shutting the door on this relationship forever and staying here, never to leave her side. This entire situation is insane. Crazy. Not what my life usually entails. I refuse to pick an emotion just yet and run with it. Logic says, run. My heart says, stay.

  “All this time I believed killing Ezra would stop the pain. The rage. I thought knowing he was dead, knowing I avenged Cane’s death would free me. It’s like a bubble burst but the ache I feel will forever be with me.” Her voice cracks and tears spill sideways down her temples onto the stark white pillow of her bed. She’s bleeding emotion right now. It’s torturous to watch. There isn’t a damned thing I can do about it.

  “We never bury the good, not really. We keep them with us. That’s the price of living. Whatever sins you've committed, you can't go back and undo them. You can let it go, even if nothing is wrong. You deserve love,” I say. “Everyone deserves love.”

  “Silence suits me, Sawyer. Sometimes I worry that if I say too much, I’ll start screaming and never stop.” Her voice holds such pain and worry that it chokes me up inside. “I’ve been outta whack since Cane died. He passed away in my arms, you know. I couldn’t stop it. I came unglued. I haven’t really slept well since then, staring at the alarm clock on my nightstand night after night. Life’s sucker punches keep coming, so you’d better get used to the pace of things. Adapt or die, you know?” Her mouth frowns slightly. “I actually look forward to death. At least then my mind can find peace. Life’s not worth living without passion and I just don’t have any left. The drugs, the drinking, it was...”

  “Your way of coping,” I cut in. She nods and curls into a ball, back tightly wedged against me. Against all my better judgment, I sling a heavy arm over her and let my head hit the pillow. I’m so spent and having her in my arms feels so right.

  “It should have all worked out, but it didn't. He should be here now, but he isn't. It’s hard to live with. All that time I ran...just when I let Bentley in...he came back. Alive. I had six days with him. Six days and he died, again. Both times because of me,” she mumbles into the blankets.

  "You build me up, then I fall apart—not because I want to, but because I can only take so much. You're trying to save me, but please, stop. You'll never save me from myself or the conflict that courses through me. The guilt. The very thing I loved is what's killing me. I've tried, but I can't conquer it. The best I can do is sleepwalk through life." Her eyes hold mine with intensity and fire. She has passion left, she just doesn’t believe it, she doesn’t feel it.

  "The human spirit can bend an awful lot before it breaks," I answer, unwilling to just give up.

  "I can fake a smile or a laugh. I can hold everything in—the guilt, the pain. I can carry the weight of it all. I have, I am, but I'm still human, Sawyer, and I still bleed when you cut my skin. You have the world to offer someone. That someone should be able to share it with you. I cannot." She pauses, sucking in a deep, shuddering breath. "I tried. After Cane I tried, with Bentley. Then..." She trails off, lost in her own past.

  "Pepper, I can't save you from yourself. I want to, but I know I can't," I state. “I don’t know what to do here...” I squeeze her hand, bringing her back to me. Her words are knives in my heart. A tear drops off her chin. I kiss it away.

  "After Cane died, I realized I have a mass of black tissue sitting in my chest where my heart is supposed to be. Watching him die, it killed me too. I died right there with him." Her eyes harden and the unshed tears in her eyes retreat into her.

  “Pepper, you’re the only one who doesn’t see it. Bentley sees you. Sees what you still have to give. I see it. Allie sees it. Greta sees it. If you don’t feel it, okay, but at least have a little faith in the people you do have. Trust us. Don’t give up yet,” I encourage. “Tell me a truth.” She sighs, resigning herself from our heavy conversation and stares up at me. Flecks of gold and chocolate take me in with tenderness. Her body shakes as she gathers what’s left in her. I can see something building in her eyes. She inhales deeply and takes my face in her hands softly.

  "I don’t need a lot of words, Sawyer. I don’t need a conversation every moment of our time together. I don’t need a promise from you and I don’t need your life in exchange for me or my love or to show you how I’m feeling. I never knew how much I could care again, Sawyer. You did that. You showed me that. It scares me more than anything in the world. I’ve tried so hard to fight it, but I’m so tired of fighting against it." Her hands squeeze me tightly. My heart stops beating. Stops. Beating. Lungs. Don’t. Work.

  “Are you saying...” Warmth spreads throughout my body.

  “I’m falling for you,” she confirms.

  “Now you tell me?!” I bark with mock irritation. I watch as Pepper’s face moves into a beautiful warm smile wrought with relief. Her hands slip from my face so her arms can hold me even more tightly around my neck.

  “I never said I had good timing,” she muses. That is the understatement of the century.

  “Pepper,” I whisper, leaning down to her lips. “I’ve been a goner since we went hiking. I’ve been falling since the skating rink, and I’ve been wanting to hear those words from you since you swooped in to nurse me while I was sick.” I brush my lips to hers. I forget everything the night has brought our way. I push all the crazy information and the gruesome scene at the rink to the bowels of my brain and I taste her. I drag my mouth from her lips to her ear. "Pep, since we're finally on the same page, let's do something 'bout it, what do you say?"

  She nods, barely, and squeezes her arms around my neck. Her fingers thread through the hair at my nape, tugging slightly. Cupping her buttocks and bringing her snug against me, a moan of desire slips through her lips—the sort of noise that leads to naked bodies and hot sex.

  I slip her t-shirt up and over her head quickly. I crawl over her, leaving a trail of soft kisses on her neck and across her collarbone. She arches upward until I take her breast into my mouth. She rakes her fingers through my hair, pulling my mouth closer to hers. I grin wickedly. I can’t help it. Everything has fallen into place it seems. Swept up in a haze of desi
re, she arches her hips, urging me to slide into her. The heat from her body makes it nearly impossible to take my time. To savor this moment, to savor her. She’d barfed up all her emotional baggage to me, like somehow that’d restore her to a better, newer, purer version of herself. I know better. I know it’s a long road for her. I know I need to guide her to a truly sound state of mind but right now I don’t care about any of that. I care about her silky skin urging me on. The fire in her eyes, the fact that she basically said she loves me. I spread her legs more and push into her. The soft moan that puffs from her lips almost sends me over the edge. Slowly, I pull out slightly and thrust back in, filling her. Nails dig into my shoulder blades, but I don’t care. I dip my head and lightly bite her neck. Goose bumps break out on her skin and she whimpers. Faster, harder, deeper.

  Chapter 27

  Mixed Bag

  I wake up violently to Pepper’s punch to my gut. Her voice is strained yet clear. “No. No. Not like this,” she yells like a broken record. I wrestle her, pinning her arms at her sides, calling her name until she wakes.

  “Shhh. You’re safe,” I whisper into her ear. Her breathing is ragged and she goes limp in my arms. “I’m right here. You’re safe.” I loosen my hold and she rolls into my front, burying her face in my chest. I run my fingers through her hair, over and over until she’s settled. Breathing steady. Soundly asleep.

  * * * * *

  When morning comes I pad into the kitchen to start coffee for us, completely forgetting there are two ATF agents in her house. I scream like a little bitch when I see them, cover my exposed junk, and hightail it back to the bedroom. Pepper’s awake and laughing. Loudly.

  “You forgot.” She laughs. I leap onto the bed, tackling her in all my naked glory.

  “Yeah,” I answer.

  “You screamed like a little girl.” She giggles more, squirming to break free of my hold.

  “Did that too,” I admit.

  “I want to try, Sawyer” she says, not giggling.

  “Try what?”

  “I want try us. Really try us. What do I do?” she asks timidly.

  “Pepper. All you need to do is talk to me. Don’t pull away. Explain that shit. No more hot and cold. If you’re overwhelmed have the balls to just say that. All I need is a heads-up. I can give space when you’re feeling quiet. I can smother you when you need affection, but you have to at least tell me.”

  “Okay. I’ll talk more,” she says. “I need smothering.” Her eyes well up with tears but before a single one can fall I lean down and kiss her senseless while holding her tightly to me.

  * * * * *

  “Clara is sitting down with Allie today,” I chatter nervously. Pepper already knows this. I’d relayed the entire conversation with Clara yesterday. We’ve closed the shop for today and tomorrow to be available to Allie. It’s the last weekend of summer before school starts back up. The timing seems off to me but I think that has more to do with everything I’ve been dealing with surrounding Pepper.

  “Sawyer, I know it sounds like a huge deal, but Allie will be okay. She’s a really smart, open kid,” Pepper soothes.

  “She is…yeah,” I mumble. Pepper rubs my back in slow, gentle circles. It only drives my anxiety home even more. I shoot up and start to pace the kitchen.

  “Should I go?” she asks hesitantly.

  “No. Maybe. I don’t know. I don’t want to annoy you—but I’m a pacer when I’m anxious,” I ramble.

  “Noted.” She laughs.

  The phone rings. I dive across the kitchen for it. Fumble with it. Drop it. Almost punch Pepper in the head when she tries to retrieve it for me and finally get it answered.

  “Hello!” I shout. Ugh. Someone shoot me now. I’m already messing this all up.

  “Sawyer?” Allie hiccups into the phone. My heart breaks. Right there. Like never before.

  “I’m here, baby. What do you need?” I coo into the receiver, wanting to take away every bad feeling she could possibly have.

  “Pepper,” she cries.

  “What?” I ask, confused. I pull the phone from my head and stare at it like it bit me. Allie sobs into the phone some more before I hear Clara come on the line.

  “She wants Pepper. She wants to talk to Pepper alone,” Clara states, sounding as baffled as I feel.

  “Okay.” I turn robotically, stare at the woman beside me, and hope like hell this is the right move. I hand the phone to her.

  “She wants you,” I say drawing, my brows together.

  I don’t understand this. I’m not prepared for Allie needing anything outside of me or Clara or Dom. Pepper smiles nervously and takes the phone from me.

  “Hello? Allie?” she speaks softly. “Uh huh.” She pauses, listening. “No, actually I think it’s wonderful.” Her face lights up at something Allie says. “Oh honey, because, it just goes to show how many people truly love and adore you,” she says, smiling at me. “Absolutely. We’ll be right there.”

  I watch in shock as Pepper ends the call, hands the phone back to me, and slips on her shoes.

  “Allie would like us to come over for a sundae-making contest. She said, ‘I think it will make us all bond.’ Have I ever told you that that little girl has somehow managed to steal a piece of my dead heart?” Pepper rambles. Everything slows down. Blurs together. She loves my little girl. She handled that flawlessly. She’s going with me to “bond” with the rest of the family. I’m going to have a Goddamned heart attack right here. It’s happening. I don’t think I’m breathing.

  “Sawyer!” Pepper shouts. “Did you hear me? We have to go.” Her head is cocked to the side and a hand rests on one hip.

  “Uh, yeah. Just, yup, we have to go.” I smile. Content. I feel full with contentment. Pepper grabs my hand and tugs me towards the door.

  “Let’s take the truck in case she wants to come back with you and spend the night.”

  My heart explodes in my chest.

  Chapter 28

  Breakdown

  We make it to the cabin in record time. Pepper chattered on the entire way about how amazing she thought Allie was. I couldn’t disagree, but I’d been quiet, Overthinking Allie’s reaction. I’m nervous for the questions and the aftermath that we might be stepping into.

  The truck is barely in park when the front door flies open and Allie comes tumbling out, running full speed at me. Her arms are splayed wide, ready to be held. Her small cheeks are red and tear stained. It takes everything I have not to cry. I scoop her up into my arms and crush her to my chest.

  “You’re always my girl, you know that right?” I whisper in her ear. She nods into my neck and sniffles. Pepper smiles and follows my lead into the house.

  “Pepper, welcome,” Dom says, looking worn out. Clara is splayed out on the couch with a glass of wine. She lifts a hand but utters no words. That’s a first. Clara, speechless. I set Allie down and sit in the chair to the left of Clara and Dom. Pepper stands awkwardly.

  “Pepper, can you help me get all the stuff lined up on the counter?” Allie asks shyly. Pepper nods happily and lets Allie lead her to the kitchen.

  “So,” I start.

  “Well, it was awful at first,” Dom starts.

  “But then Allie...just...got it,” Clara finishes.

  “We explained that in no way does this option change anything between the three of us and how we all function now. That it’s still her choice to accept it or not. She was so worried for you, Sawyer. It was heartbreaking. But,” Clara stops talking and breathes deeply. “She said as long as you’re still her dad then she’d like to take Dom’s last name. That being adopted would be okay. Then she wanted to talk to you. We should have had you here I think,” she whispers.

  “She didn’t even speak when I picked up,” I state.

  “She said that Pepper seemed like someone she could ask advice from, not a parent. Can you believe that? The kid is more emotionally stable than any of us.” Dom chuckles.

  “I think you’re right.” I watch as Clara
sits up and watches Pepper and Allie move about the kitchen.

  “She was really great, Sawyer. Supportive and honest. I think Allie needed that right then. I think she needed to hear it from someone that wasn’t a parent to her,” Clara says, smiling. Dom pulls her close to his side and kisses her temple. I ache to be able to do the same thing right now. To have that partner for support in moments like these.

  “Sundae contest is ready! And I’ll warn you, Pepper is the bomb at dessert,” Allie chirps. We all push up from our seats to join them in the kitchen.

  * * * * *

  By ten p.m. Allie is tucked in and sleeping soundly upstairs. Clara, Dom, Pepper, and I are out on the deck having a drink and enjoying the view of the lake as the moonlight dances on the water. There’s a slight chill in the air as summer is winding down and fall is creeping in. I watch the moonlight reflect off Pepper’s long, black locks. Her skin is lit up and she looks stunning in the low light with her copper eyes sparkling.

  “Can I comment on something?” Pepper asks.

  “Shoot,” Clara answers.

  “I think Allie is amazing, and I think it’s because of you all. She’s open-minded, caring, and kind. I don’t think if you and Sawyer had had a traditional relationship that any of this—you marrying Dominic, Sawyer dating, adoption talk—would have turned out the same. I think you’ve shown her love comes in many forms and I just think it’s amazing how cool she is.”

  Dom beams at Pepper and nods his head. For the first time I’m actually enjoying my time at Dom’s house with Dom present. The outdoor speakers are softly playing one of Clara’s mellow lists and the company is proving to be really pleasant. It feels nice. Right.

  “I’ve thought the same thing. Sawyer and I,” he starts, pausing to look at me, “have had our...differences, but when it comes to Allie he’s never ever let anyone down and Clara has made sure that Allie gets what she needs no matter what her personal feelings might be. They’ve done great and it shows in Allie’s behavior and personality.” Clara kisses Dom’s cheek before pouring herself a refill. I pull Pepper onto my lap and squeeze her.